DELUSIONAL CUBS FAN

Jim Hendry’s Best Trade EVER!
Kerry Wood, Mark DeRosa and Jake Peavy!

Cubs Acquire Kerry Wood, Mark DeRosa and Jake Peavy in Mega Trade!

Holy Cow! The Chicago Cubs stunned the baseball world today by pulling off a complicated six team trade in which they acquired relief pitcher Kerry Wood, super-utility-everything-man-team-leader-guy Mark DeRosa and finally starting pitcher Jake Peavy.  Jake Fox was also added to the Cubs as the player to be named later in the deal.

All the details of the trade are still unconfirmed but we do know that this trade totally F’n RULES from a Cubs fans point of view.  The Chicago Cubs have never been the same since losing team leader, fan favorite and chick magnet Mark DeRosa.  That particular trade bit the Cubs in the ass when DeRosa went on to join the St Louis Cardinals, giving them the extra push they needed to beat the Cubs out in the NL Central in 2009.

And of course Kerry Wood will forever be the heart and soul of the Chicago Cubs and the Cubbies really went off the rails in 2009 after facing the Cleveland Indians in their interleague series.  The Cubs were in a first place tie with the Cardinals when the two teams met, but the very sight of Kerry Wood in an Indians uniform was so soul crushing that the Cubs never recovered, eventually falling 7 1/2 games behind the Cardinals because of it.

Jake Peavy was the big surprise in the deal because noone in baseball knew the White Sux would make him available after just acquiring Peavy in a trade with the Padres.  The terrible spring training by Sox reliever Scott Linebrink made the trade necessary though, and the Sox accepted Jeff Samardzja in exchange for the former Cy Young award winner Peavy. “This puts the Cubs in a better position to compete with us” said Sox GM Kenny Williams.

Besides giving up quarterback Jeff Samardzja in the deal, the Cubs will also be sending Mike Fontenot to the Giants for DeRosa. Fontenot became expendable now that the amazing DeRosa will be starting at second base. The Indians, in a cost-cutting measure will receive the minor league contract of Kevin Millar, who will provide his veteran leadership and drinking skills to the young players on the rebuilding Cleveland team.

Also acquired by the Cubs was future hall of famer Jake Fox, who the Oakland Athletics no longer needed after realizing they had four designated hitters in camp.  Jake Fox will bring his ability to hit home runs and play all nine positions to the Cubs as their new “Super Sub” and will likely make it in to at least 150 games while becoming the first Chicago Cub since Sammy Sosa to hit 60 home runs. The Athletics received super sub Bobby Scales in exchange for Fox.

Also involved in the deal were the Seattle Mariners.  The Mariners received Cubs outfielder Sam Fuld in exchange for “Making Milton Bradley shut the hell up already”.

A stunned Lou Pinella when asked for a comment about this incredible trade which instantly makes the Cubs favorites to win the World Series mustered only: “What do you want me to say?”

How about this is the greatest trade in the history of Cubs baseball?!

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I really doubt you made it this far, and I can’t imagine you haven’t figured out this is for…

APRIL FOOLS!

But then again I write ridiculous things all the time so who knows.